.12 - black sheep.

i'm the kind of guy who always wanted to have the freedom to do anything. i need to do something. my brain just can't cope with the pressure without letting the steams off. i know i'm kinda hot-headed, but in order to control that, i have to divert all the energy towards something else, for example, focus on work, or travelling. it requires a lot of effort, hence the energy to make these things, these distraction to absorb the explosive energy that was bursting out of my body, my behaviour, my words.

but i can't do anything. i don't have my car right now, i'm working from 6 to 6, don't have enough rest, can't sleep, facebook bored me, tv bored me, newspaper is too biased for me, no good movies coming out, (speaking of movies, i can't remember the last time i went out for movie, this sucks.) and i finished catching up one piece, means i don't have anything to read, plus i've finished my anime marathon.

so what now.

i want to get occupied. there's this darkness cloud closing on me and i can't just sit there, watching them getting nearer to me by every fraction of seconds, and just rambling about how my life was just a repititive loop with no apparent end, and to makes thing worst, i can't get a thing out of my fuzzy head. i mean, i know i'm thinking maybe a wee bit too much, so i need to let it out, but it seems like i can't see any opportunity to splash it out, or maybe i hestitated to do so.

well you see, i don't really tell people what is happening to me. even if i did, it was merely a fraction of thought, or memories from me. it's not that i choose not to, but i, find it hard to do so. i wanted to paint the picture, to capture the image, to tell the story, but i'm still too afraid to try those thing. it was painful, it left me vurnerable, i was vurnerable too anything.

it frustrate me more than anyone else in this world. even my family don't understand me. don't get me wrong, i appreciate their effort, and i do want them to understand me, totally, but it's just.. won't work. my mind was too twisted for them to brain, so i ought to pretend that everything was alright, to let them be at ease. i'm terrible right? yeah i know. i'm such a horrible person, for i cannot do anything, yet i din grasp to something.

i want it so badly, all of them, but it seems i will not have it. this is my biggest test in my life i concur.