.16 - again, again.

well, this explains why i woke up with hearts beating like hell this morning. another one of my friends died in an accident at 10 a.m.

i don't know how to react to be honest. guess a bad start for a new year hm?

.15 - l'amour est un belle le vent

waktu tu sumpah, aku memang pakai topeng, topeng tembok besar china. topeng yang, topeng. dalam topeng tu ada topeng, supaya orang tak tau topeng apa sebenarnya yang aku pakai ni. mereka boleh bersorak, atau menyakat. aku boleh sorak, boleh sakat. boleh gelak, boleh geletek. boleh melatah, boleh, serius waktu membuat saman.

in fact, waktu tu aku tengah buat saman. sambil headbanging lagu oh the guilt - nirvana, si sofiea kat blakang aku pun tga sebuk buat saman. tiba-tiba, hm, entah. macam mana tah, aku pergi ke bahagian post judgement (aku bahagian pre judgement, buat saman ke mahkamah), dan lepak dekat bilik yang semua penghuninya adalah pekerja sambilan. geng lah ni.

okay now aku ingat. aku tengah nak cop saman-saman aku ni, untuk despatch ke cawangan-cawangan lain serta mahkamah kat tempat lain. so aku ke sana. lepas bagi saman-saman tu dekat nurlyza asmitasarianis (ye, aku dah hafal nama dia, like finally), aku terasa macam nak jenguk dekat luar.

bukak je tingkap, seolah-olah ada orang guna blower dekat muka aku. angin kuat menderu masuk ke dalam, habis surat-surat saman aku tadi berterabur. nasib tak terbang. aku, lyza, hasanah, nani, dengan shahir semua berpandangan. terkejut, hm, agaklah. aku pulak, lagilah.

aku rasa ni macam satu benda yang jadi setaun skali. memang jarang. harini, maksud aku. kejadian petang tadi buat aku terfikir pasal ni;

petang ni, serupa macam petang-petang tahun 2004, 2005. sebijik. langit yang sangat clear, awan berkepul-kepul berkumpul atas kepala, menapis cahaya matahari ke bumi. aku rasa macam nak baring atas jalan tu, literally, waktu on the way nak ke kereta merc mama. it was that tempting.

petang tu, aku buat 2 saman je. tak kira pagi tadi punya lah. lain aku habiskan masa kat tingkap tu. terjenguk-jenguk, tak nak berganjak dari tingkap tu. termenung, teringat kembali.

jadi aku tersengih sorang-sorang. bahagia macam tu. lucu, sedih, marah, semua ada. tapi senyum je yang keluar. macam kerang busuk.

terasa peluh keluar waktu tu, berlari, berkejar, tergelak, misi membalas dendam, dan, cuma tinggal memori.

.14 - who are you fighting for?

Moonlight,

Sing loud for everyone,

Sing loud for revolution,

I'll remember...

Shine down,

For all the things I've done,

For all these words unspoken,

I'll remember...

Grieving bodies, threw you down

Who are you fighting for?

Shout now,

Before your words are drowned,

Before your soul stars bleeding dry,

I'll remember...

.13 - i need to stop posting shits like this because i can't express myself anymore in my blogs.

day by day, little by little, by every passing second, these flickering small flame is getting smaller, that small flame, which is kept inside a glass of container, no matter how beautiful it is, no matter how calming the smell is, the truth of it was bitter reality, eats it self up even when it's dying.

every fucking second.

.12 - black sheep.

i'm the kind of guy who always wanted to have the freedom to do anything. i need to do something. my brain just can't cope with the pressure without letting the steams off. i know i'm kinda hot-headed, but in order to control that, i have to divert all the energy towards something else, for example, focus on work, or travelling. it requires a lot of effort, hence the energy to make these things, these distraction to absorb the explosive energy that was bursting out of my body, my behaviour, my words.

but i can't do anything. i don't have my car right now, i'm working from 6 to 6, don't have enough rest, can't sleep, facebook bored me, tv bored me, newspaper is too biased for me, no good movies coming out, (speaking of movies, i can't remember the last time i went out for movie, this sucks.) and i finished catching up one piece, means i don't have anything to read, plus i've finished my anime marathon.

so what now.

i want to get occupied. there's this darkness cloud closing on me and i can't just sit there, watching them getting nearer to me by every fraction of seconds, and just rambling about how my life was just a repititive loop with no apparent end, and to makes thing worst, i can't get a thing out of my fuzzy head. i mean, i know i'm thinking maybe a wee bit too much, so i need to let it out, but it seems like i can't see any opportunity to splash it out, or maybe i hestitated to do so.

well you see, i don't really tell people what is happening to me. even if i did, it was merely a fraction of thought, or memories from me. it's not that i choose not to, but i, find it hard to do so. i wanted to paint the picture, to capture the image, to tell the story, but i'm still too afraid to try those thing. it was painful, it left me vurnerable, i was vurnerable too anything.

it frustrate me more than anyone else in this world. even my family don't understand me. don't get me wrong, i appreciate their effort, and i do want them to understand me, totally, but it's just.. won't work. my mind was too twisted for them to brain, so i ought to pretend that everything was alright, to let them be at ease. i'm terrible right? yeah i know. i'm such a horrible person, for i cannot do anything, yet i din grasp to something.

i want it so badly, all of them, but it seems i will not have it. this is my biggest test in my life i concur.

.11 - fragile.

I will never let you die, dear

And tonight I’ll be close by

I will never leave you hungry

For the crimes of this wasted love

The news should never leave you worried

You’re innocent like a work of art

Truth should never be allowed to live out loud

It will break us apart

In time

I will find the best in me

And I will find the strength to be immune

If only I could

I know you’re fragile

I will never let u die, will never let you try

.9 - one-way ticket.

bought a one way ticket.

and how worried i am right now, about everything, i hope i'm making the right choice.

i need this. 2305 and i'm off.

.8 - hujan di tengah hari

Tiba-tiba dia terjaga dari lelap tidur atas sofa tu.
Serta-merta dia toleh ke kanan, ke arah kaca pemandangan.
Gelap. Suram. Sesekali cerah, dengan geseran awan.
Bunyi tu memang kuat.
Tetapi bukan itu bunyi yang kacau bagi dia.
Bingkas bangun, dia berjalan ke arah tingkap
Dia termenung dari tingkap bilik itu.
Jauh ke bawah.
Memerhatikan deretan titis hujan yang tak henti menghempas bumbung kereta.
Shivers.
Ah, hari ni tak pakai sweater pulak. Waktu aku tak pakai la nak hujan.
Pukul berapa ni? Oh baru pukul 1.30 petang. Apesal gelap?
Soalan bodoh.

****
Kenapa aku tertidur tadi?
Oh. Kerja dah siap. Lepak pantri dengan rakan kerja. Sembang.
Keluar ofis awal. Lari ke sini.
Bilik mama.
Privasi. PA mama takkan kacau.
"Mama pergi dulu eh? Harini mama maybe balik pukul 8 macam tu.. Mama tinggal buah jambu ayaq atas meja. At least makan la jambu ni k?"
OK.
Dan dia lelap.

****
"Kau tak boleh macam tu.. Satu je kau kena ingat, kau takleh hidup dalam kenangan kau, nanti memang kau tak gerak wehh. Macam aku, ex aku. Sekarang dah jadi tunangan orang. Memang la aku frust, tapi aku kena let go lah.." Shahir bagi respon. Aku faham, kau tu bukan tuju kat aku sorang. Dekat kitorang. Yelah, biasalah kalau bercerita, bernasihat. Sebagai orang yang berusia lebih dari aku dengan Zul, dia layak bagi nasihat.

"..."

"Ingat memang ingat, tapi tak boleh terkenang je.."

"Oh, kalau kau ada rasa bersalah? Tapi apa kau boleh buat?"

"Hm.. tu lah.. kalau bersalah tu.. Memang akan menghantui kau lah.."

"Kau ni sepol.. Asyik menanya je. Takkan takde cite kot? Asyik ktorang je story.." Zul menyampok. Eh dia pun banyak diam je. Tapi at least ada lah jugak citer

"Aku.. Nak ada cerita apa je? Lain ah si Shahir ni, macam penyanyi je, banyak cite dengan awek." Aku tersenyum. I mean, apa lagi aku boleh buat?